Pimp Hand Guide to Work

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How do you determine how hard to slap the shit outta an employee or peer at work?  I recently had the issue where every email, I slapped them hard with my pimp hand.  Of course, this will get you a HR complaint and label you as the passive-aggressive asshole.  Today, I learned the Art of the Pimp Hand.  Here’s an example of my most recent email:

“Hello (removed), when are you shipping the batteries back from the field? – Sincerely, Logistics”

Of course, I responded wayyyy too heavy and replied, “Dear Logistics, why are you asking? Are you dictating maintenance in the field? I want to ensure there is no negative impact on the field people – Sincerely, Me”  Of course, there’s rudeness and sharp-talking is usually hostile.  However, this response was too strong.  Young employees with authority can swing their pimp hand way too hard.  I recommend a friend’s approach to swinging the pimp hand.  Observe the chart below:

pimphandMy buddy kept the chart in a hidden, acronym format.  This allows you to save this, without people knowing its true form.  PH stands for “Pimp Hand”.  The levels of swing are located on the Y axis (up and down for you non-math folks).  Heavy means you come out talking with authority and demanding answers.  Medium is you asking really tough questions and give a stern, heavy opinion, but not biting the individual.  Light is when you give “recommendations”, but you don’t care if they’re followed.  None is one of my favorite tactics.  I decide not to respond at all.  It’s not worth my time and a non-answer speaks for itself.  Sometimes, a non-answer means “fuck you”.  It shows that the event or action is not worth your time.

MB stands for “Make Better”.  ME is “Make Easier” or make it easier for someone.  EF is “Egg on Face”.  How embarrassed with the action be for someone? WO is wheels off the train.  This is when you need to bring your heavy pimp hand and slap a mother fucker.

Let me provide a way to heavily pimp slap someone, “Dear (me), I’d like to crack the panel on that air frame and remove cable J1 – Sincerely FuckTard.” My heavy pimp hand swings, “Dear Fucktard, Stand Down! Your removal of J1 is a safety issue and will destroy the product.  Please, consult with our team prior to any maintenance event.”  Crisis possibly avoided.  There are times when you need to pimp hand heavy someone into not doing anything.  They’re afraid to email.  This is good sometimes.

Practice your office pimp hand carefully, grass hopper.

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