Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Replay All and Signatures

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People tend to forget that emails will haunt them the rest of their lives.   There are several ways to spotting fuck tards by their “reply all” action or the garbage that they place at the end of their email.  Let us help you unfuck yourself.

What really gets on everyone’s nerves is the asshole who replies all to an email that doesn’t require it.  They can’t fucking help themselves.  It’s like, “HEAR ME! LOOK AT ME. OMG I’M SO FUCKING IMPORTANT.”  A simple mass email, such as one welcoming a new employee to the program, can instantly turn to asshole fuck fest.  There are usually a few who cannot hold back the email hardon they’re about to unload all over the screen.   These replies come in the following forms:

-The E-mail Skier:  Original email is repeated in the sender’s owns words.  The secondary email sender takes the dicks of the original email participants and strokes them like ski poles.  NO ONE FUCKING CARES.  Yes! Welcome aboard Bob! …NO! We’ve heard it the first time.  Stop stroking the original sender’s cock.  This isn’t going to get you promoted  (Note to Fuck Tard: A smart original email sender will knock your added value down a notch for this retarded reply).

-The E-mail Power Trip: Original email is hijacked as the new sender replies with something that equivocates to them being insecure that they didn’t send the email out.  How about this? You didn’t matter.  Not everyone has to consult you if this email was to go out or not.  So, STFU!  This includes fuck tards who try to speak on behalf of an organization.  “On behalf of FU org, I’d like to say blah blah blah”.

-Ex-Military Lingo:  It’s the ex-military person who has separated from active duty physically and administratively, but not mentally.  They feel the need to welcome someone on board a ship, a fort, a base, a campus, or what the fuck ever.  They tend to use language that only exists in the military.  Not EVERYONE attacks a problem.  Real civilians like to solve a problem.  There is no “rallying the troops”.  STFU with the military lingo.

quote-in-email-shows-you-are-idiot[1]Email signatures need to be minimal and direct.  Put your name, a title (if required), email and at least one business phone number.  Be sure to make the title something that you are.  Do not INVENT some bullshit responsibility or something that makes you important. If you’re an mechanical engineer, please put “Mechanical Engineer”.  If you’re an admin’s assistant, it should follow with “Admin Assistant” or whatever the position is called.  NEVER put that you’re a “SME” (Subject Matter Expert) when you’re truly not.  People can smell bullshit.  In the industry, short of executive staff, truly experienced engineers put nothing for their title.  You simply see their name and contact information.  Adding some bullshit title to your signature only confuses people and when you fail to deliver on this “expertise”, you only make yourself and the organization worth less.

Do not PUT FUCKING QUOTES at the end of your signature.  This does not add value to you as a professional and only makes you look incapable of standing on your own merit.  No one fucking cares what historical-person-A said.

Technical professionals need not put their certifications at the end of the signature unless it absolutely matters.  A very rare case in the engineering world is CISSP and how it relates to being an Information Assurance Manager.  If it’s required for the position, then the cert is worthy of the signature.  Putting that you passed Security+ makes you look like a retard.  Putting ALL THE FUCKING CERTS from the local cert school makes you worth less.  You’re a good test taker.  We get it.  But when you have all these cisco certs and cannot tell me how OSPF works, GTFO!  When you have LINUX+ cert and you cannot tell me what the port is for SSH.  GTFO!  Any engineer who puts certs at the end of their signature and it’s not required for the job is a tool.  FUCK YOU TOOL.

Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Questions

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Email communication, in the engineering world, should be no different than any other professional work place.   There are unspoken rules of engagement.   A work email is not a phone call to your girlfriend, to your mom, or a social venue.  Let us start by explaining the intent of professional emails.

When someone writes you a question, answer the fucking question.  Here’s an example of a good answer.  “Dear fucktard, In the lab, what color is the Dell server?”.  The answer is very simple. “It’s (fill in the color).”  In this case, the color is black.  Do not fucking reply with anything more.  Do not tell me where in the lab, the fucking computer is.  DO NOT tell me how the fucking computer works.  I DO NOT need to know how fast, slow, dirty, clean, or what-the-fuck-ever the PC is.  Tell me what fucking color it is.  Done!

When someone writes you a question, do not CC more fucktards.  DO NOT add your work colleagues who have no fucking idea what the answer is.  It is likely that those fucktards will try to answer the question like described in the previous paragraph.  Do not be insulted if anyone tells you to knock that shit off and removes your fucktard friends.  Their opinion doesn’t fucking matter because if it did, they’d be on the original email.

When someone writes you a question, do not insult their intelligence by asking them if they’ve troubleshot the problem in a certain way.  Most cases, they’ve technical raped the problem and only need to know what color the fucking PC is in the fucking lab.

When someone writes you a question, do not describe how you got the answer.  DO NOT write, “Dear Question Guy, I was sitting at my desk when I received your question.  I quickly walked over to the lab and knelled down next to the rack.  I used both eyes and observed that the PC was black.  Then, I walked back here and emailed you the answer.”  Listen fucktard, I DO NOT need to know how you got the answer because most cases, I’ve done the same if I was there.  DO NOT tell me how many steps it is between your office and the fucking PC.  Answer the fucking question.

When someone writes you a question, do not ask me a question back.  Answer my question or do not answer it at all.

When someone writes you a question, if you don’t know it, tell the person that you will need to find the answer.  DO NOT FUCKING GUESS what color the fucking PC is.  “It’s pink”.  The fucking PC was never pink.  It will never be pink.  However, you think you’re a fucking smart guy by waving us off with your no-effort fucking answer.  Get the fuck up and verify.

When someone asks you a question, give the answer.  DO NOT fucking tell us there is some bullshit CM (Change Management) board that you need to have my answered approved through.  THIS IS NOT A FUCKING JOBS PROGRAM.  Stop inventing work and answer the fucking question.

Last, use proper fucking grammar and punctuation.  FUCK YOU.

The Office Turkeys

turkeyThe Office Turkey is the individual or group of individuals (business culture) that does a lot of talking, but no action.  Office Turkeys feel that they’re contributing to the solution by talking.  They may want status often so they can report to someone above them that they’re “on top of it”.  The resolution of a problem may have nothing to do with their leadership, but somehow, they feel the need to interject themselves into the employee’s swim lane.

“Gobble Gobble Gobble.”  All air.  No added value.  There are times when you want to turn around and tell the Office Turkey to STFU.  However, this will not stop the turkey from continuing their conquest to talk.  Aggressive turkeys may schedule a meeting and expect you to be there.  You’re suppose to give status because sending a fucking email isn’t good enough.  Phone calls? Nope.  Must have face to face time in front of a group of people to show that they’re leading the charge.  Competent employees do not need group hugs or a Turkey’s leadership to solve a problem.

There are several ways to handle the gobblers.  One way is to blow off all of their meeting requests and blame it on,”actively solving the problem”.  You were too busy to give status because you were actively working on the problem.  It may make them mad that they do not have control, but it silently sends them the fuck you message (refer to the Pimp Hand chart in previous post).  If you’re able, you could delegate someone to be the POC for the turkeys.  This would mean that the turkeys must talk to that person and not to you directly.  This allows you to focus on the work and get it done.

Other common scenarios of turkeys are the mass emailers.  You’ve just received an email from the corporate mailing list, but turkeys feel the need to show that they’re in charge of the information by forwarding it to you with the caption, “For your information”.  Sometimes, you just want to reply that you’ve received it from 5 other people and you’re thankful that they’re late.  The best defense is to quickly forward the corporate email to them, before they email it to you.  This creates a problem that they cannot solve, except setup and auto-forward.

Office Turkeys gobble in groups and this becomes dangerous.  A group of fucktards give strength to any problem, real or not.  They will tend to make a big deal out of something that is a quick fix.  Gobblers will demand a step by step guide on how you’re going to resolve the problem.  The best defense is to keep it high level.  Never, do you want to give up your technical special sauce to a group of turkeys.  They will take your solution and give it to someone else to fuck it up.  It eventually comes back to you.

Surviving a hostile work environment – No Fucks Given

1338265360835_809270[1]Ever find yourself in an environment that makes you not want to come to work?  Hostile work environments can come in many ways.  It could be a sea of bad co-workers, bad management, or even a shitty work situation that delivers stress.  I’ve been in all of them and found the ultimate coping mechanism, “No Fucks Given”.

When you give a fuck, you care about the product, service, or system.  You strive to deliver quality, accurate work and take pride it in.  When you work with fucktards who do not care or even have a negative impact on the system, you want to see them removed.  In many work environments, management is too scared to remove incompetent people.  You’re often told that you must incorporate these losers into your “team” environment and continue to deliver excellence.  After awhile, you do get tired and bitter.  Why should you spend extra admin overhead to prevent the fucktards from hurting the system?  Is it worth it? There are trade offs when you decide if it’s worth giving fucks or not.  If you cannot leave the job, then you must find another way to mitigate the problems and hope that the pay is worth it. Let’s be honest, we want to trade our labor for the maximum compensation.  This means that we want to get paid and if dealing with difficult people is part of that, then so be it.  However, there is a threshold and many times, I’ve found myself leaning towards “No Fucks Given”.

To start not giving a fuck, you must find the level of system maintenance that allows it to continue.  You cannot say fuck it all and the system comes crashing down.  You just might not suggest improvements.  You’re basically in mood to maintain. That is simply it.  You do not care about building relationships.  You do not go above and beyond.  You spend just enough time to say that you’ve earned that salary and then you look for your exit.

Basic ways to not give a fuck is to not talk more than you need to.  I tend to keep the conversations towards personal, neutral topics such as travel, hobbies, and in my field of work, engineering processes.  I tend to stay away from religion, politics, and drama.  Try not to show that you’re bothered by the drama because then they’ll look at ways to hammer you.  The hostile work environment can get completely worst.  You evaluate your workload and you find a way to do the bare minimum.  A task that would normally take 24 hours, now takes 48 because no fucks are given.  You find simple pleasures such as watching TV shows on your laptop, reading a book that has nothing to add to your job, and spending hours on facebook, creeping hotties.

Not giving a fuck takes the weight of the no-accountability-work and dumps it onto someone else.  Their emergencies are no longer yours.   30 minute lunches turn into 2 hours.  Of course, you must be a ninja and not show that you’re taking longer lunches, but there’s always a way to say it was a business lunch.

You want to avoid the micro-managers or the people who can’t be happy with doing the bare minimum.  These people dislike your care free attitude and want to give you busy fucks. Busy fucks are tasks given by someone else to satisfy their insecurity.  I hate the phrase, “Give a good days work”.  This subjective phrase and expectation changes with the individual.  My bare minimum may be two times the work load than most people.  I may be able to get 40 hours of work done in 20 and use the extra 20 to do something that I enjoy.  There is no incentive to work hard when you’re given busy fucks.  There are several ways to handle busy fucks.  You could invent your own busy fuck and when presented with a busy fuck task, you’re unavailable.   You could take the busy fuck task and completely fuck it up, in hopes that you’re never assigned it again.  You could waterfall (The Art of Delaying) the request and just never do it.  Busy fucks are a pain in the ass and should be avoided at all tasks.  Your time is more valuable than that.  We must also be aware of people who falsely give a fuck. These individuals will drum up busy fucks because they want to show management that they care, even when it’s not true.  Your job with these people is to suggest work that keeps them away from you.

At the end of the day, you’ll eventually find a new job that you’ll care about and we hope that it’s not filled with fucktards.  If it is, rinse and repeat the No Fucks Given process.