The Office Turkeys

turkeyThe Office Turkey is the individual or group of individuals (business culture) that does a lot of talking, but no action.  Office Turkeys feel that they’re contributing to the solution by talking.  They may want status often so they can report to someone above them that they’re “on top of it”.  The resolution of a problem may have nothing to do with their leadership, but somehow, they feel the need to interject themselves into the employee’s swim lane.

“Gobble Gobble Gobble.”  All air.  No added value.  There are times when you want to turn around and tell the Office Turkey to STFU.  However, this will not stop the turkey from continuing their conquest to talk.  Aggressive turkeys may schedule a meeting and expect you to be there.  You’re suppose to give status because sending a fucking email isn’t good enough.  Phone calls? Nope.  Must have face to face time in front of a group of people to show that they’re leading the charge.  Competent employees do not need group hugs or a Turkey’s leadership to solve a problem.

There are several ways to handle the gobblers.  One way is to blow off all of their meeting requests and blame it on,”actively solving the problem”.  You were too busy to give status because you were actively working on the problem.  It may make them mad that they do not have control, but it silently sends them the fuck you message (refer to the Pimp Hand chart in previous post).  If you’re able, you could delegate someone to be the POC for the turkeys.  This would mean that the turkeys must talk to that person and not to you directly.  This allows you to focus on the work and get it done.

Other common scenarios of turkeys are the mass emailers.  You’ve just received an email from the corporate mailing list, but turkeys feel the need to show that they’re in charge of the information by forwarding it to you with the caption, “For your information”.  Sometimes, you just want to reply that you’ve received it from 5 other people and you’re thankful that they’re late.  The best defense is to quickly forward the corporate email to them, before they email it to you.  This creates a problem that they cannot solve, except setup and auto-forward.

Office Turkeys gobble in groups and this becomes dangerous.  A group of fucktards give strength to any problem, real or not.  They will tend to make a big deal out of something that is a quick fix.  Gobblers will demand a step by step guide on how you’re going to resolve the problem.  The best defense is to keep it high level.  Never, do you want to give up your technical special sauce to a group of turkeys.  They will take your solution and give it to someone else to fuck it up.  It eventually comes back to you.

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