Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Replay All and Signatures
People tend to forget that emails will haunt them the rest of their lives. There are several ways to spotting fuck tards by their “reply all” action or the garbage that they place at the end of their email. Let us help you unfuck yourself.
What really gets on everyone’s nerves is the asshole who replies all to an email that doesn’t require it. They can’t fucking help themselves. It’s like, “HEAR ME! LOOK AT ME. OMG I’M SO FUCKING IMPORTANT.” A simple mass email, such as one welcoming a new employee to the program, can instantly turn to asshole fuck fest. There are usually a few who cannot hold back the email hardon they’re about to unload all over the screen. These replies come in the following forms:
-The E-mail Skier: Original email is repeated in the sender’s owns words. The secondary email sender takes the dicks of the original email participants and strokes them like ski poles. NO ONE FUCKING CARES. Yes! Welcome aboard Bob! …NO! We’ve heard it the first time. Stop stroking the original sender’s cock. This isn’t going to get you promoted (Note to Fuck Tard: A smart original email sender will knock your added value down a notch for this retarded reply).
-The E-mail Power Trip: Original email is hijacked as the new sender replies with something that equivocates to them being insecure that they didn’t send the email out. How about this? You didn’t matter. Not everyone has to consult you if this email was to go out or not. So, STFU! This includes fuck tards who try to speak on behalf of an organization. “On behalf of FU org, I’d like to say blah blah blah”.
-Ex-Military Lingo: It’s the ex-military person who has separated from active duty physically and administratively, but not mentally. They feel the need to welcome someone on board a ship, a fort, a base, a campus, or what the fuck ever. They tend to use language that only exists in the military. Not EVERYONE attacks a problem. Real civilians like to solve a problem. There is no “rallying the troops”. STFU with the military lingo.
Email signatures need to be minimal and direct. Put your name, a title (if required), email and at least one business phone number. Be sure to make the title something that you are. Do not INVENT some bullshit responsibility or something that makes you important. If you’re an mechanical engineer, please put “Mechanical Engineer”. If you’re an admin’s assistant, it should follow with “Admin Assistant” or whatever the position is called. NEVER put that you’re a “SME” (Subject Matter Expert) when you’re truly not. People can smell bullshit. In the industry, short of executive staff, truly experienced engineers put nothing for their title. You simply see their name and contact information. Adding some bullshit title to your signature only confuses people and when you fail to deliver on this “expertise”, you only make yourself and the organization worth less.
Do not PUT FUCKING QUOTES at the end of your signature. This does not add value to you as a professional and only makes you look incapable of standing on your own merit. No one fucking cares what historical-person-A said.
Technical professionals need not put their certifications at the end of the signature unless it absolutely matters. A very rare case in the engineering world is CISSP and how it relates to being an Information Assurance Manager. If it’s required for the position, then the cert is worthy of the signature. Putting that you passed Security+ makes you look like a retard. Putting ALL THE FUCKING CERTS from the local cert school makes you worth less. You’re a good test taker. We get it. But when you have all these cisco certs and cannot tell me how OSPF works, GTFO! When you have LINUX+ cert and you cannot tell me what the port is for SSH. GTFO! Any engineer who puts certs at the end of their signature and it’s not required for the job is a tool. FUCK YOU TOOL.