Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Email Warfare
Office warfare has been around since there was the first employee. With the invention of email, we’ve seen office warfare move from the type-writer to instant delivery of networked devices. Preparing your email and deciding who receives it requires precious mental energy. Reacting to fuck tards via email brings your mental yoga workout to a mental triathlon.
Any normal email should be written to the point. No flowery words. We lose sight of the email’s meaning after the first paragraph. Like any essay, you need to state what you’re talking about upfront. You may even bulletize the main points so the reader can easily skim. This is what a professional email should do. However, we know damn well that fuck tards and ninjas exist in the work place. Let us break it down.
BCC Ninjas. You know what we’re talking about. The fucking person added via BCC. Most fuck tards like to show that they’re working. “Look at me!” Most of the time, the really dumb fuck tards like to just CC everyone. Fuck, add the entire logistics department when the email has nothing to do with logistics. “Look at me! I’m important! I write emails!” The BCC ninjas are fuckers who BCC another party and not even tell you. When they BCC, you have no idea that they’re lining you up for failure. You think the conversation is private and WAM!, your BCC precipitant replies. WHO THE FUCK INVITED them? BCC Ninjas.
After Hours Email Fuck Tards make it a point to write an email late at night. This gives the impression to their superiors that they’re working late. I have news for you. A component person who can work a 8 hour task and complete it in 6 hours is a much better work than someone who does the 8 hour task, taking 16 hours. Just because you work more hours, doesn’t make you a better employee. Neither does working after hours. Normally, 1700 (5 PM for you regular folks) is the time to go home, relax, and drink a half bottle of Scotch because you almost punched someone in face. It doesn’t mean you continue to work. After Hour Fucks like to send the email at 8 PM. “Look at me! I’m so fucking important and I am a dedicated mother fucker. ” There are two reasons for writing an email late at night. It’s either you were in meetings all day and you had no time or you want to look like you’re “willing to stay late for the job”. No true, competent manager finds value in late night emails. What’s worst is the employee that schedules a fucking meeting at 5 PM. FUCK YOU. Just as dumb.
Assembling a Fuck Tard Army, doesn’t make your answer right or give authority to your request. Sometimes, CCing or adding more people to the email gets annoying. If the email change is more than 10 people, it becomes very inefficient. It turns into a big circle jerk and nothing comes from the email. However, email chains do trump the in-person-meeting-circle-jerk. Fuck Tards like to add more people because it makes it look like they’re “on top of things”. Efficient workers like to only talk directly to the people that matter. STOP FUCKING ADDING MORE PEOPLE.
Passive aggressive email fuck tards are easy to handle. You can delete their email or use the same language. When an ex-military officer manager says “I’m tracking you. I got ya tone locked”, you ask yourself if they’re going to fire a side-winder missile. Real people use real words and phrases. “I follow you” or “I understand where you’re going with that topic”. STOP FUCKING MANIPULATING THE CONVERSATION WITH SOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCK TARD LANGUAGE. Return the favor by telling them that you’ve got them dialed in or whatever. The more you use their words, the more they’ll become annoyed and cease to continue the language.