You know we love and hate Halloween. What sucks is when people take this shit too far at work. You know exactly what I’m talking about. The fucker who puts on a custome and cannot do their job. It’s usually the clown who does no work in the office. Yes, the fuck face who craves attention and the more exotic and unbearable the costume, the more attention they get. If only, we could set them on fire.
Some fuckers like to decorate their cube or office with cute Halloween shit. Good for you. If it were a hot girl wearing some skanky costume, thank you for creating hostile work environment and my inability to concentrate while we stare at you. The other month, I walked into the lab and a girl was bending over with a tight dress. Do that again with a hot Halloween outfit and we’re calling HR on me. LOL.
I hate the fuckers who wear the obscenely huge costume and cannot type on their keyboards. Look fuck face, you chose this shit. It’s not my fault that you cannot deliver. How about this, dress up like a performer and actually perform. I want the slide deck done before it’s due. Fuck you.
I didn’t think I could give a fuck less. However, No-Fucks-Given-Nirvana can be achieved. I gave my last two weeks into my current program and I felt elevated. No longer do I need to show that I don’t give a fuck. It’s full frontal No-Fucks-Given.
I start my routine by going to the coffee area and filling my cup up with STFU. I put a bag of LOL popcorn in the microwave and pop a few kernels for later. I eat this popcorn when I watch people lose their fucking minds. I walk back to my desk and open my outlook calendar. I need to blow off all of these meetings. But how? Easy. With my new profound No-Fucks-Given attitude, I looked at if missing a meeting was a negative impact on my reputation (to people I care about), the program, the mission, or my colleagues. Notice, I didn’t put boss on that list? No matter what, he was going to hate me for leaving, why bother? I cancelled all the meetings that I dread. I left one and only one, the meeting that the customer yells at my company’s worse employees. I get the popcorn out and listen to their heads pop as the customer rips them a new asshole. This is pure entertainment. I almost want to unmute and giggle. Let the customer know that his tormenting comments are well appreciated and entertaining. I’ll dial into that meeting for years as long as I’m entertained. I won’t even charge the company.
My boss decided that he wanted to review my goals before I left. I saw this coming when he sent me this “mandatory” meeting notice to review goals. Doesn’t he know I don’t give a fuck? My yearly goals are going to change to the new program. He simply wants to exert one more opportunity of control. Denied. I sipped from my STFU cup. I accepted the meeting notice and blew it off. I made sure I wasn’t able to be found. He rescheduled. Perfect. More opportunities for me to add more gray hairs. I failed to show the 2nd time. On the 4th time and 2 days left of my last 2 weeks, I decided to erase his meeting notice and send an update that I’ve cancelled. Perfect.
They moved my office across campus to a cube next to the shitters. To be honest, they don’t expect me to sit there, but somehow, some people do. I go and unpack my shit and some people instantly pop up like I’m going to be their new best cube mate. After all the hot air leaves their lungs and my eyes glaze over, I put it on my whiteboard that I can only be reached by email and my work phone number. My cube was nicely unpacked. I even thought about bringing a layer of dust to make it look like no one sits there. That’ll come naturally.
My last day after my 2 week notice, I didn’t even show the fuck up. What they going to do? Fire me LOL! Nope. My new program welcomes me with full open arms and this old program can kiss my ass. When you’ll never go back and you have enough friends on campus to keep your job covered, you can give no fucks.