Surviving a Hostile Work Environment – Drawing a Rainbow with a White Crayon
Sometimes, you’re asked to do a task that IS IMPOSSIBLE. There are moments in your career where the person asking you to do something impossible, may not understand what it is, they’re asking. I’m zoned in on the asshats who do not fully understand physics and the inability to perform the said task. It’s like they ask you to take a white crayon and draw a rainbow on a white piece of paper. Impossible. Fuck you.
So, the first response is to clarify and hope that they understand that you cannot walk through walls. It’s physically impossible. However, if you’re able to convince them that it’s not happening, great! But in a hostile work environment, these assholes cannot take no for an answer. It’s time to waterfall. Let me remind you that the Art of Waterfalling is the only way that you can deal with these assholes. No matter how fucked up the task, you cannot directly tell them no. It’s like I should put on a jet pack and fly up to the unmanned drone to fix a problem (this was a real response I gave once). In their fucked up minds, the task can be done and you’re just too lazy or resisting. Drawing a fucking rainbow with a white marker can be done. How? They read it in some jerk off self-help book or heard it from a one-upper (If you have 4 wheel drive, they have 5 wheel drive). You always tell them that “I’m working it now.” and just go back to whatever it is that you’re done. When they ask for status, you just repeat yourself, “I’m working it now” and continue doing nothing about it. Eventually, they’ll realize that you’re not doing it. By this time, they’re too exhausted to deal with you. You win.