Thai Chi Fuck Face

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The Thai Chi Fuck Face

There’s this engineering manager at work who thinks he’s God’s gift to engineering.  His designs and products has me determine that he sucks at his job.  However, this company loves academic pedigree.  40 years ago, he graduated with a math degree and makes him qualified to design products that turn into turds.  Either way, he’s a douche bag.

There’s a new employee who happen to have his cube right outside of his office and had the misfortune to have this “Thai Chi” master pass by.  The master looked at the new employee and said nothing. Then, he proceeded to go into his office.  How creepy right?  Then, came a day where the new grasshopper decided to fluff the master and stroke his ego.  This is where we tell the stories of “Thai Chi Fuck Face”!

I have no problem with the martial arts. However, Thai Chi isn’t really on the list of MMA backgrounds that you want to brag about.  Mr. Thai Chi Fuck Face is often seen in the work parking lot waving arms and humming some shit.  I just want to tell him to go inside and Thai Chi me some real engineering work.  He does it for show and we found out why.

While Thai Chi Fuck Face was on the phone and his office door wide open, the young grasshopper overheard him tell someone on the phone, “I’m worth over 2 million dollars.  I’m a shouldn’t be treated this way!”  Stop right there.   Take your Buddhist loving statues and toss them in the trash.  For real. You tell someone that you’re a big deal because you have assets that total 2 million dollars? STFU.

Then Thai Chi Fuck Face finally speaks to the new guy.  “Hello, I’m *Name removed* and I have a background in Thai Chi”.  Let me stop right there and say that one honestly gives a fuck.  Really? You’re a big deal now? “I’ve been to China and worked with the main master there (Paraphrasing)”.  Oh wait? You paid money to fly over and pay some master guy to let you tell the story that you met him? You’re a-nobody white guy who now knows the secrets of the Universe? STFU. “If you want, I could connect you to the right people at the studio.”  Oh wait, the one that you PAY to attend? You don’t honestly run a studio because that would require someone who knows what to do.  You’re probably a Grade-C Thai Chi demonstrator.

Here’s how it truly works.  Never tell someone you’re a big deal because you have money.  That just means you’re incapable of using verbal or written persuasive techniques. You suck dude.  Thai Chi is to be practice by not creeping people.  Don’t use it as a marketing tool or someone will Thai Chi chop you in half.

 

Surviving a Hostile Work Environment – Bad Management Survey

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When the company surveys its employees and wants to know how management is doing, the results may come back bad.  For my recent experience, I’ve seen the worst results in the sector.  I have since left that team, but before I did, I’ve observed complete asshole management styles.  If they can’t get their way with you, they’ll make your life hell.

The only strategy for management to improve their results is to push out the people who don’t like them and hire incompetent, needy people who will kiss their ass.  No better way to improve your results than to fill your ranks with team members who are afraid to say negative things.  Nothing drives down the quality of service or product than this, but at least, they’ll show the upper management that their survey results are getting better.

Surviving a Hostile Work Environment – Drawing a Rainbow with a White Crayon

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Sometimes, you’re asked to do a task that IS IMPOSSIBLE.  There are moments in your career where the person asking you to do something impossible, may not understand what it is, they’re asking.  I’m zoned in on the asshats who do not fully understand physics and the inability to perform the said task.  It’s like they ask you to take a white crayon and draw a rainbow on a white piece of paper.  Impossible.  Fuck you.

So, the first response is to clarify and hope that they understand that you cannot walk through walls.  It’s physically impossible.  However, if you’re able to convince them that it’s not happening, great! But in a hostile work environment, these assholes cannot take no for an answer.  It’s time to waterfall.  Let me remind you that the Art of Waterfalling is the only way that you can deal with these assholes.  No matter how fucked up the task, you cannot directly tell them no.  It’s like I should put on a jet pack and fly up to the unmanned drone to fix a problem (this was a real response I gave once). In their fucked up minds, the task can be done and you’re just too lazy or resisting.  Drawing a fucking rainbow with a white marker can be done.  How? They read it in some jerk off self-help book or heard it from a one-upper (If you have 4 wheel drive, they have 5 wheel drive).  You always tell them that “I’m working it now.” and just go back to whatever it is that you’re done.  When they ask for status, you just repeat yourself, “I’m working it now” and continue doing nothing about it.  Eventually, they’ll realize that you’re not doing it.  By this time, they’re too exhausted to deal with you.  You win.

Surviving a Hostile Work Environment – Proper Work Attire

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It was casual work attire Friday and I decided that to wear shorts and flip flops to work.  I’m at a point my career where I want to be comfortable and don’t care what other people think.  My next career jump will be to another company and then, I’ll start playing the dress game.  Until then, I’m staying comfortable.

When I walk down the hallways, people look at me like I’m committing a crime.  Some may be jealous, while others think that I’m just another bad employee.  I finally ran into the site facility guy who asked me the good question, “Have you read the dress code policy?”.  He wants me to say no or to feel bad.  I responded, “Yes, yes I have.”  He was waiting for a follow up, but asked the question again, “Did you read the dress code policy about shorts and flip flops?”  I responded, “Yes and I feel great.” I twinkled my toes in my flip flops just to show him how wonderful I felt.  He followed up with a threat, “there are auditors here today and you don’t want to look bad in front of them? Do you?”  I said, “People I don’t care about? Don’t care what they think. I feel great.”  He walked away in disappointment.  I walked away making flip flop sounds as my feet left the floor.

At the end of the day, I get max raises and max performance reviews.  I must be doing something wrong.  I’m not in an area of responsibility (I purposely shun it).  Maybe my next job will have that, but for now, I’m a full-time engineer and a full-time job.  I don’t have time to give a fuck about what people think, when my plan is to leave.

Hostile Work Environment – Halloween Costume Fuck Face

pokemon-costume-metapod[1]You know we love and hate Halloween.  What sucks is when people take this shit too far at work.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.  The fucker who puts on a custome and cannot do their job.  It’s usually the clown who does no work in the office.  Yes, the fuck face who craves attention and the more exotic and unbearable the costume, the more attention they get.  If only, we could set them on fire.

Some fuckers like to decorate their cube or office with cute Halloween shit.  Good for you.  If it were a hot girl wearing some skanky costume, thank you for creating hostile work environment and my inability to concentrate while we stare at you.  The other month, I walked into the lab and a girl was bending over with a tight dress.  Do that again with a hot Halloween outfit and we’re calling HR on me. LOL.

I hate the fuckers who wear the obscenely huge costume and cannot type on their keyboards.  Look fuck face, you chose this shit.  It’s not my fault that you cannot deliver.  How about this, dress up like a performer and actually perform.  I want the slide deck done before it’s due.  Fuck you.

Hostile Work Environment – No Fucks Given Part II

1AdnoxZI didn’t think I could give a fuck less.  However, No-Fucks-Given-Nirvana can be achieved.  I gave my last two weeks into my current program and I felt elevated.  No longer do I need to show that I don’t give a fuck. It’s full frontal No-Fucks-Given.

I start my routine by going to the coffee area and filling my cup up with STFU.  I put a bag of LOL popcorn in the microwave and pop a few kernels for later.  I eat this popcorn when I watch people lose their fucking minds.  I walk back to my desk and open my outlook calendar.  I need to blow off all of these meetings.  But how?  Easy.  With my new profound No-Fucks-Given attitude, I looked at if missing a meeting was a negative impact on my reputation (to people I care about), the program, the mission, or my colleagues.  Notice, I didn’t put boss on that list?  No matter what, he was going to hate me for leaving, why bother?   I cancelled all the meetings that I dread.  I left one and only one, the meeting that the customer yells at my company’s worse employees.  I get the popcorn out and listen to their heads pop as the customer rips them a new asshole.  This is pure entertainment.  I almost want to unmute and giggle.   Let the customer know that his tormenting comments are well appreciated and entertaining.  I’ll dial into that meeting for years as long as I’m entertained.  I won’t even charge the company.

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My boss decided that he wanted to review my goals before I left.  I saw this coming when he sent me this “mandatory” meeting notice to review goals.  Doesn’t he know I don’t give a fuck? My yearly goals are going to change to the new program.  He simply wants to exert one more opportunity of control.  Denied.  I sipped from my STFU cup.  I accepted the meeting notice and blew it off.  I made sure I wasn’t able to be found.  He rescheduled.  Perfect.  More opportunities for me to add more gray hairs.  I failed to show the 2nd time.  On the 4th time and 2 days left of my last 2 weeks, I decided to erase his meeting notice and send an update that I’ve cancelled. Perfect.

They moved my office across campus to a cube next to the shitters.  To be honest, they don’t expect me to sit there, but somehow, some people do.  I go and unpack my shit and some people instantly pop up like I’m going to be their new best cube mate.  After all the hot air leaves their lungs and my eyes glaze over, I put it on my whiteboard that I can only be reached by email and my work phone number.  My cube was nicely unpacked.  I even thought about bringing a layer of dust to make it look like no one sits there.  That’ll come naturally.

My last day after my 2 week notice, I didn’t even show the fuck up.  What they going to do? Fire me LOL! Nope.  My new program welcomes me with full open arms and this old program can kiss my ass.  When you’ll never go back and you have enough friends on campus to keep your job covered, you can give no fucks.

Hostile Work Environment – Get the Popcorn

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A hostile work environment is a pressure cooker.  You put in the dry, unpopped corn and put the lid on.  After awhile, drama pressure builds and the contents get hotter.  Add some more drama pressure and pop! fuckers’ heads pop.  I love it.  I get a bucket of popcorn every time I see management or undesired co-workers lose their cool.  For some odd reason, it’s satisfying.

In a normal work environment, you’re usually too busy or care about the people you work with.  You don’t want to see trouble or drama.  However, when you work with a bunch of fucktard, asshole, mother fuckers, you crave stress.

The best type of drama is email drama.  You can slowly watch the email threads as these fuckers calculate their next message or wording.  Today, I grabbed the popcorn as I watched management decide to handle a very stressful situation.  You can read their text and imagine the frustration on their face. Even the lack of text, makes you giggle.  You know damn well what the proper response should be and when they fail to response with a certain number of words, you can see their frustration.  I almost want to get a bottle and take a shot for every missed sentence.  It’s a celebration that the fucktards in management must handle a difficult situation.   Get the popcorn out and watch them lose their fucking minds.

When you share the celebration with your allied co-workers, it almost turns into a sports event.  It’s almost like we fire up the BBQ to celebrate July 4th.  Every time a manager’s head pops, it’s like a firework going off.  “Oooooooo…..ahhh…” Work life couldn’t get better.  Every time upper management bends over and takes a shit on your middle management, we giggle like school girls.  “Muahahhahahhahahhhahahhahahhahahah” How does it feel to eat it? Get a dose of what they give us.

Senior Level Failure – Engineer Zero to Engineer One.

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Field engineering has this habit of humbling senior engineers (or those who claim to be one) and showing them that they don’t know everything.  The engineer scale starts at 1 and goes up to 6.  Most engineers fall between 3 and 4.  When it comes to field engineering, all past experience goes out the window.  If you cannot perform a field task, you’re an engineer zero until you’re trained.  Once you’re able to perform the task without help, you become an engineer one.   When you are the subject matter expert on the task, you’re an engineer hero.

I’ve run into plenty of engineer IVs who claim to have designed the product in the field.  However, when you ask them to perform a simple task, they cannot.  Failure.  They like to remind you how important they are by showing you that they’re an engineer IV or whatever.  They dislike it when you remind them that they’re an engineer zero until they’re capable.  The butt hurt is real.  Tasks competency is binary, either you can do it or you cannot.  Telling people they are zeros until they’re ones, tells them that they must learn the task and past understanding means nothing.  It might contribute to your ability to learn.

Good training guides can explain this up front.  Training people from 0s to 1s is straight forward.

Managers need to be reminded that zeros exist on the team.  It’s also nice to remind a manager that if they cannot perform the tasks that you’re doing, then they’re an engineer zero.  It usually tells people that you’re able to do their job before they can do yours.  It keeps micromanagers in check.

My favorite way to put people in their place is to ask technical questions that are obvious.  Oh? You’re a network engineer?  What’s the port for SSH? 32? WTF!? No.  GTFO!  Humiliation sometimes humbles a person.  When they are over-confident and need to come down to earth, ask a simple technical question.  Watch them squirm.

 

 

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