Hostile Work Environment – Halloween Costume Fuck Face

pokemon-costume-metapod[1]You know we love and hate Halloween.  What sucks is when people take this shit too far at work.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.  The fucker who puts on a custome and cannot do their job.  It’s usually the clown who does no work in the office.  Yes, the fuck face who craves attention and the more exotic and unbearable the costume, the more attention they get.  If only, we could set them on fire.

Some fuckers like to decorate their cube or office with cute Halloween shit.  Good for you.  If it were a hot girl wearing some skanky costume, thank you for creating hostile work environment and my inability to concentrate while we stare at you.  The other month, I walked into the lab and a girl was bending over with a tight dress.  Do that again with a hot Halloween outfit and we’re calling HR on me. LOL.

I hate the fuckers who wear the obscenely huge costume and cannot type on their keyboards.  Look fuck face, you chose this shit.  It’s not my fault that you cannot deliver.  How about this, dress up like a performer and actually perform.  I want the slide deck done before it’s due.  Fuck you.

Senior Level Failure – Engineer Zero to Engineer One.

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Field engineering has this habit of humbling senior engineers (or those who claim to be one) and showing them that they don’t know everything.  The engineer scale starts at 1 and goes up to 6.  Most engineers fall between 3 and 4.  When it comes to field engineering, all past experience goes out the window.  If you cannot perform a field task, you’re an engineer zero until you’re trained.  Once you’re able to perform the task without help, you become an engineer one.   When you are the subject matter expert on the task, you’re an engineer hero.

I’ve run into plenty of engineer IVs who claim to have designed the product in the field.  However, when you ask them to perform a simple task, they cannot.  Failure.  They like to remind you how important they are by showing you that they’re an engineer IV or whatever.  They dislike it when you remind them that they’re an engineer zero until they’re capable.  The butt hurt is real.  Tasks competency is binary, either you can do it or you cannot.  Telling people they are zeros until they’re ones, tells them that they must learn the task and past understanding means nothing.  It might contribute to your ability to learn.

Good training guides can explain this up front.  Training people from 0s to 1s is straight forward.

Managers need to be reminded that zeros exist on the team.  It’s also nice to remind a manager that if they cannot perform the tasks that you’re doing, then they’re an engineer zero.  It usually tells people that you’re able to do their job before they can do yours.  It keeps micromanagers in check.

My favorite way to put people in their place is to ask technical questions that are obvious.  Oh? You’re a network engineer?  What’s the port for SSH? 32? WTF!? No.  GTFO!  Humiliation sometimes humbles a person.  When they are over-confident and need to come down to earth, ask a simple technical question.  Watch them squirm.

 

 

Admin Account Hoarders

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You know the individual who wants an admin account on every fucking system?  These people think that they’re entitled to the administrator account, even when the system they wish to have admin on, isn’t theirs.

Take time to analyze the individual making the request.  Do they have too much shit on their desk? You know, the guy who can’t throw shit away.  They have the original paperwork, from 20 years ago, for their first day on the job.  These mother fuckers have a serious condition that forces them not to throw a damn thing away.  When they’ve collected all the shit and piled it on their desk, they need to collect more.  They go after the power of admin accounts.

I’ve recently been entertained by an individual who said, “For these two systems, I need admin.  I cannot do anything without admin.”  First, the system this individual wanted access to was only used for emails and basic web browsing.  When any of our co-workers require technical support, they call fucking help desk.  However, since the individual isn’t good at his or her job, they try to make up by being personal in other areas.  They also said, “Well, you do need to have the right certs for admin.” Wait, DoD 8570 clearly states that administrator (IAT II) is satisfied by a security plus certificate.  Any asshole can pass this “difficult”cert that you speak of.  What the fuck makes you so damn special? Nothing.  You want people to think that you’re important.

Where it really goes wrong is when you have admin and you honestly fix a problem on the system.  The sheep in the office have no idea why everyone else does not have admin and all of a sudden, you’ve set a fucking presidence.   The, the sheep assholes come asking me for help because YOU’VE had admin.  Before long, management gets wind that we can get one more fucking added capability.  Management driven, everyone must have a fucking admin account on a system that we DO NOT administer.  Two managers up, the fucker puts a bullet on his performance review, “Directed IT to get admins on an account and provide additional support.” Support is code work for busy work for the price of nothing.  The normal operation of support is to ask people to call help desk.  If you have an issue with the system that I’m responsible for, we can work it out, but don’t ask me to support a system that I have no authority on.

Let’s collect admin on all the fucking systems like it’s a badge of honor.  One day, while sitting at the fireplace with your grand children on your lap, you’ll finally say, “You know son, I had admin on that classified system.  I’m so fucking important.  You know, I didn’t do a DAMN thing with the admin, but I was rightfully acknowledge by my co-workers as a bad ass.  Your grand mother or grand daddy was a bad ass.”  Said NO ONE EVER.  STFU and stop applying for admin every you go, you fuck tard.

The Office Turkeys

turkeyThe Office Turkey is the individual or group of individuals (business culture) that does a lot of talking, but no action.  Office Turkeys feel that they’re contributing to the solution by talking.  They may want status often so they can report to someone above them that they’re “on top of it”.  The resolution of a problem may have nothing to do with their leadership, but somehow, they feel the need to interject themselves into the employee’s swim lane.

“Gobble Gobble Gobble.”  All air.  No added value.  There are times when you want to turn around and tell the Office Turkey to STFU.  However, this will not stop the turkey from continuing their conquest to talk.  Aggressive turkeys may schedule a meeting and expect you to be there.  You’re suppose to give status because sending a fucking email isn’t good enough.  Phone calls? Nope.  Must have face to face time in front of a group of people to show that they’re leading the charge.  Competent employees do not need group hugs or a Turkey’s leadership to solve a problem.

There are several ways to handle the gobblers.  One way is to blow off all of their meeting requests and blame it on,”actively solving the problem”.  You were too busy to give status because you were actively working on the problem.  It may make them mad that they do not have control, but it silently sends them the fuck you message (refer to the Pimp Hand chart in previous post).  If you’re able, you could delegate someone to be the POC for the turkeys.  This would mean that the turkeys must talk to that person and not to you directly.  This allows you to focus on the work and get it done.

Other common scenarios of turkeys are the mass emailers.  You’ve just received an email from the corporate mailing list, but turkeys feel the need to show that they’re in charge of the information by forwarding it to you with the caption, “For your information”.  Sometimes, you just want to reply that you’ve received it from 5 other people and you’re thankful that they’re late.  The best defense is to quickly forward the corporate email to them, before they email it to you.  This creates a problem that they cannot solve, except setup and auto-forward.

Office Turkeys gobble in groups and this becomes dangerous.  A group of fucktards give strength to any problem, real or not.  They will tend to make a big deal out of something that is a quick fix.  Gobblers will demand a step by step guide on how you’re going to resolve the problem.  The best defense is to keep it high level.  Never, do you want to give up your technical special sauce to a group of turkeys.  They will take your solution and give it to someone else to fuck it up.  It eventually comes back to you.

The Office Shape-shifter

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The Office Shape-shifter is the individual who actively tries to reshape their image to management and to other employees.  Sometimes, they have an agenda and will try their best to influence others towards a goal.  It’s ok to influence others, but when you’re a shit bag and you’re trying to convince others that you’re not, you’re a shape-shifter.

Shape-shifters will try their best to influence management that they’re not a bad person.  They may be completely incompetent on completing any task.  They spend more energy making sure everyone thinks they’re great.  One may say, “Don’t worry. I know everything has gone to shit since I was gone.  I’m here.  I’m here to save the day.”  They may not be able to tell you how they plan to save the day, but they may try their  best to shape opinions of those around them.

Their tactics are simple.  They will demonize someone with authority.  “That person has no idea what they’re talking about.  I’m so good at what I do, this program cannot go on without me.”  They will also place blame for their inability to complete a task on their personal schedule.  “I had class…how can I honestly complete my work assignment?”.  They will state that they never had enough hours.  “No way I could complete a 40 hour work week in 40 hours.  I need 80.”  They might even sell you on how smart they are. “You know, I teach at a local college. I’m a big deal.”

There are a few ways to handle the Shape-shifter. First, is a PIP or process improvement plan.  It’s the first step in getting them to straighten up or get fired.  However, if your management refuses to fire these fuck tards and you’re tired of dealing with them, you fight fire with fire.  Since they’re a big deal, you could tell them that their services are needed elsewhere.  You send them to another project and they official become a #JollyRoger.  You could give them a large amount of boring tasks and they quit.  You could fire them, but you then fight the uphill HR battle.  Shape-Shifters are the first to go during lay offs.

Junkers

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The Junker – Employee who does not clean up and leaves stuff everywhere

I have OCD.  I cannot allow my desk, car, or home become clutter without a panic attack.  In a government office, a clean desk is considered an employee who has too much free time on their hands, therefore, needs more tasks.  When I had my short-time, working for the Air National Guard, I found that a messy desk gave the impression that I was gainfully employed and that I was taking on more tasks.  This made my boss happy.  In the engineering world, senior engineers with a messy desk, plays the same role.

However, us regular engineers (be that ME, EE, SE, TE, or NW) should not have a messy desk.  When a lab space is cleared, a junker will move in and pollute.  They will drop trash on the desk, unwrapped cables, or even a whole box of junk.  They expect you to clean up after them.

Junkers are hard to motivate and there is no negative consequence to junkers.  You can put the junk on their desk and it holds no embarrassment.  You could send an email and CC their management, no one cares.  There is no corporate policy that says you’ll be fired for a messy desk.  However, there are ants.  Junkers don’t recognize that their mess, invites office ninjas to plant rotting food.  Nothing is unsatisfactory than a hungry-man meal that’s eaten and rotting in their desk.  Because their desk is always messy, it’s assumed that the junker will own any mess.  This is where corporate policy does enforce a clean desk and puts that person on profile.  Who is your junker?

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Dr. Octopus MEME – #SteaksOnTheGrill

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Dr. Octopus MEME – #SteaksOnTheGrill

Dr. Octopus is an engineering employee or manager who when pressured for an answer or responsibility for a task.  The aggressiver, who threatens this beast, is someone who asks a question that could force the octopus to agree to an ETA, agree with the action item, or promise a deliverable or artifact.  Big words? Those familiar to professional engineer meetings completely understand this beast.

“Mr. BlahBlah, when can we have that draft for peer review?”  This very question forces the octopus to squirt, squirt, and squirt a defense.  “Uhmm..we need to continue…..working this task and ensure that you’re given a deliverable that’s work reading.  The iron is still hot” (or insert some stupid analogy that doesn’t excuse this person).

Once spotted, this slippery octopus will run to the corner and never take responsibility.  Ways to make this type of person accountable is to schedule an end date via the calendar.  You invite their superiors or higher ups that would force them to deliver.  Another method is to invite a higher up to suggest a deadline.  If there is no negative consequence, the Octopus will squirt all day, charging $75/hour until your budget is drained and no real quality work is delivered.