Thai Chi Fuck Face

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The Thai Chi Fuck Face

There’s this engineering manager at work who thinks he’s God’s gift to engineering.  His designs and products has me determine that he sucks at his job.  However, this company loves academic pedigree.  40 years ago, he graduated with a math degree and makes him qualified to design products that turn into turds.  Either way, he’s a douche bag.

There’s a new employee who happen to have his cube right outside of his office and had the misfortune to have this “Thai Chi” master pass by.  The master looked at the new employee and said nothing. Then, he proceeded to go into his office.  How creepy right?  Then, came a day where the new grasshopper decided to fluff the master and stroke his ego.  This is where we tell the stories of “Thai Chi Fuck Face”!

I have no problem with the martial arts. However, Thai Chi isn’t really on the list of MMA backgrounds that you want to brag about.  Mr. Thai Chi Fuck Face is often seen in the work parking lot waving arms and humming some shit.  I just want to tell him to go inside and Thai Chi me some real engineering work.  He does it for show and we found out why.

While Thai Chi Fuck Face was on the phone and his office door wide open, the young grasshopper overheard him tell someone on the phone, “I’m worth over 2 million dollars.  I’m a shouldn’t be treated this way!”  Stop right there.   Take your Buddhist loving statues and toss them in the trash.  For real. You tell someone that you’re a big deal because you have assets that total 2 million dollars? STFU.

Then Thai Chi Fuck Face finally speaks to the new guy.  “Hello, I’m *Name removed* and I have a background in Thai Chi”.  Let me stop right there and say that one honestly gives a fuck.  Really? You’re a big deal now? “I’ve been to China and worked with the main master there (Paraphrasing)”.  Oh wait? You paid money to fly over and pay some master guy to let you tell the story that you met him? You’re a-nobody white guy who now knows the secrets of the Universe? STFU. “If you want, I could connect you to the right people at the studio.”  Oh wait, the one that you PAY to attend? You don’t honestly run a studio because that would require someone who knows what to do.  You’re probably a Grade-C Thai Chi demonstrator.

Here’s how it truly works.  Never tell someone you’re a big deal because you have money.  That just means you’re incapable of using verbal or written persuasive techniques. You suck dude.  Thai Chi is to be practice by not creeping people.  Don’t use it as a marketing tool or someone will Thai Chi chop you in half.

 

Surviving a Hostile Work Environment – Bad Management Survey

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When the company surveys its employees and wants to know how management is doing, the results may come back bad.  For my recent experience, I’ve seen the worst results in the sector.  I have since left that team, but before I did, I’ve observed complete asshole management styles.  If they can’t get their way with you, they’ll make your life hell.

The only strategy for management to improve their results is to push out the people who don’t like them and hire incompetent, needy people who will kiss their ass.  No better way to improve your results than to fill your ranks with team members who are afraid to say negative things.  Nothing drives down the quality of service or product than this, but at least, they’ll show the upper management that their survey results are getting better.

Surviving a Hostile Work Environment – Proper Work Attire

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It was casual work attire Friday and I decided that to wear shorts and flip flops to work.  I’m at a point my career where I want to be comfortable and don’t care what other people think.  My next career jump will be to another company and then, I’ll start playing the dress game.  Until then, I’m staying comfortable.

When I walk down the hallways, people look at me like I’m committing a crime.  Some may be jealous, while others think that I’m just another bad employee.  I finally ran into the site facility guy who asked me the good question, “Have you read the dress code policy?”.  He wants me to say no or to feel bad.  I responded, “Yes, yes I have.”  He was waiting for a follow up, but asked the question again, “Did you read the dress code policy about shorts and flip flops?”  I responded, “Yes and I feel great.” I twinkled my toes in my flip flops just to show him how wonderful I felt.  He followed up with a threat, “there are auditors here today and you don’t want to look bad in front of them? Do you?”  I said, “People I don’t care about? Don’t care what they think. I feel great.”  He walked away in disappointment.  I walked away making flip flop sounds as my feet left the floor.

At the end of the day, I get max raises and max performance reviews.  I must be doing something wrong.  I’m not in an area of responsibility (I purposely shun it).  Maybe my next job will have that, but for now, I’m a full-time engineer and a full-time job.  I don’t have time to give a fuck about what people think, when my plan is to leave.

Hostile Work Environment – No Fucks Given Part II

1AdnoxZI didn’t think I could give a fuck less.  However, No-Fucks-Given-Nirvana can be achieved.  I gave my last two weeks into my current program and I felt elevated.  No longer do I need to show that I don’t give a fuck. It’s full frontal No-Fucks-Given.

I start my routine by going to the coffee area and filling my cup up with STFU.  I put a bag of LOL popcorn in the microwave and pop a few kernels for later.  I eat this popcorn when I watch people lose their fucking minds.  I walk back to my desk and open my outlook calendar.  I need to blow off all of these meetings.  But how?  Easy.  With my new profound No-Fucks-Given attitude, I looked at if missing a meeting was a negative impact on my reputation (to people I care about), the program, the mission, or my colleagues.  Notice, I didn’t put boss on that list?  No matter what, he was going to hate me for leaving, why bother?   I cancelled all the meetings that I dread.  I left one and only one, the meeting that the customer yells at my company’s worse employees.  I get the popcorn out and listen to their heads pop as the customer rips them a new asshole.  This is pure entertainment.  I almost want to unmute and giggle.   Let the customer know that his tormenting comments are well appreciated and entertaining.  I’ll dial into that meeting for years as long as I’m entertained.  I won’t even charge the company.

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My boss decided that he wanted to review my goals before I left.  I saw this coming when he sent me this “mandatory” meeting notice to review goals.  Doesn’t he know I don’t give a fuck? My yearly goals are going to change to the new program.  He simply wants to exert one more opportunity of control.  Denied.  I sipped from my STFU cup.  I accepted the meeting notice and blew it off.  I made sure I wasn’t able to be found.  He rescheduled.  Perfect.  More opportunities for me to add more gray hairs.  I failed to show the 2nd time.  On the 4th time and 2 days left of my last 2 weeks, I decided to erase his meeting notice and send an update that I’ve cancelled. Perfect.

They moved my office across campus to a cube next to the shitters.  To be honest, they don’t expect me to sit there, but somehow, some people do.  I go and unpack my shit and some people instantly pop up like I’m going to be their new best cube mate.  After all the hot air leaves their lungs and my eyes glaze over, I put it on my whiteboard that I can only be reached by email and my work phone number.  My cube was nicely unpacked.  I even thought about bringing a layer of dust to make it look like no one sits there.  That’ll come naturally.

My last day after my 2 week notice, I didn’t even show the fuck up.  What they going to do? Fire me LOL! Nope.  My new program welcomes me with full open arms and this old program can kiss my ass.  When you’ll never go back and you have enough friends on campus to keep your job covered, you can give no fucks.

Hostile Work Environment – Get the Popcorn

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A hostile work environment is a pressure cooker.  You put in the dry, unpopped corn and put the lid on.  After awhile, drama pressure builds and the contents get hotter.  Add some more drama pressure and pop! fuckers’ heads pop.  I love it.  I get a bucket of popcorn every time I see management or undesired co-workers lose their cool.  For some odd reason, it’s satisfying.

In a normal work environment, you’re usually too busy or care about the people you work with.  You don’t want to see trouble or drama.  However, when you work with a bunch of fucktard, asshole, mother fuckers, you crave stress.

The best type of drama is email drama.  You can slowly watch the email threads as these fuckers calculate their next message or wording.  Today, I grabbed the popcorn as I watched management decide to handle a very stressful situation.  You can read their text and imagine the frustration on their face. Even the lack of text, makes you giggle.  You know damn well what the proper response should be and when they fail to response with a certain number of words, you can see their frustration.  I almost want to get a bottle and take a shot for every missed sentence.  It’s a celebration that the fucktards in management must handle a difficult situation.   Get the popcorn out and watch them lose their fucking minds.

When you share the celebration with your allied co-workers, it almost turns into a sports event.  It’s almost like we fire up the BBQ to celebrate July 4th.  Every time a manager’s head pops, it’s like a firework going off.  “Oooooooo…..ahhh…” Work life couldn’t get better.  Every time upper management bends over and takes a shit on your middle management, we giggle like school girls.  “Muahahhahahhahahhhahahhahahhahahah” How does it feel to eat it? Get a dose of what they give us.

Hostile Work Environment – The Vacuum Cleaner

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There comes a time in a man’s life where the vacuum cleaner does more than suck dirt from the floor.  It repels assholes.

The older we get, the more we need to find HR compliant ways to say, “FUCK YOU”.  You can be fired for telling an asshole to go fuck him or her self.  Your best defense is to be as annoying as you can.  You cannot get fired for being annoying.  OCD is a legit reason to run the vacuum every time you want the fuck tards out of your office.  Vacuums are loud and annoying.  Most people bail because you stir up dust.  Even better, fuck up your efforts in vacuuming and spill the contents around on the floor.  You could even vacuum the ceiling. I do.

People get it.  You want them gone and in most cases, they leave.  You’ll find these people will talk shit on you, but you’ve won the war.  You train them to leave when they see you going for the vacuum.  Running the vacuum is another way to say fuck you when they think you’re lazy.  You can make comments such as, “I don’t want to be lazy, so I’m cleaning this dirty floor.”

Hostile Work Environment – Unqualified Managers and Precedence

59944339This post will butt-hurt some managers.  However, this post isn’t to make them happy, it’s to entertain you with real scenarios and offer some humor.

What makes a good manager? Is it someone who ensures that you have the tools to do your job? Is it someone who only approves your time card?  It really comes down to working relationship.  Office humor put aside, the best manager is someone who full-fills the employee’s needs to perform their tasks or duty.   It really depends on the situation and culture.  I might want a manager who has complete hands off while I perform antivirus updates.  I might want a manager who micromanages my time card and ensures that I’m complaint.   Where it all breaks down and the shit hits the fan is when a manager is not qualified and tries to make decisions that would go contrary to the employee’s best advice.

When the product or service requires a manager to understand the technical aspects, it’s best to have a manager who came from that field.  Too often, this is not the case.  We may receive managers, who needed a job or cover, into the position and their discipline fails them.  A good manager will quickly understand the products specs or service details. They may ask the senior engineer or technician their input and let that guide the process.  In my world, I’ve seen it not be this way.  Let’s talk about the unqualified manager and precedence.

Precedence is defined as, “the condition of being considered more important than someone or something else; priority in importance, order, or rank.”  In this case, it’s common sense.

When a manager is not qualified and not seek good advice, they tend to make decisions that negatively affect the employees.  We’ve discussed the scenario before where a system administrator wanted admin rights on a server or network that he didn’t own.   The employee gets the rights and once the community finds out, management thinks it’s a good idea to manage this.  They quickly want status on everyone’s admin rights and who does not have it.  They will create an entire jobs program out of admin rights to a system we don’t own.  There will be the weekly meetings because emails aren’t good enough.  There will be homemade spreadsheets tracking who does not have admin.   Performance reviews will be negatively impacted because we don’t have admin rights to a system that we’re not responsible for.  All of a sudden, there is precedence placed on this non-required requirement that should never have been.  This is all due to the fucking manager who has no fucking clue what he or she is doing.   Not only does the manager push this process, against the wishes of the employees, senior management will think it’s a great idea to track it and report it at a corporate level.  It’ll eventually make it into some policy that was never peer reviewed by the true holders.  Now eat that shit!

Ever ask why we do a process and the source for it? Ever get the answer, “It’s always been that way?”  This is the same bad milk from the fridge.  Managers who are unqualified cannot answer why we do things a certain way.  Before long, this unspoken tribal knowledge makes its way into an office policy document and now you’re fucked.  There is no going back.  Who cares about streamlining? It’s a jobs program.

Surviving a hostile work environment – Office Samurais and the Art of War

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I’m not going to start this post with some bullshit from the Art of War.  Great, we know that military tactics aren’t appropriate in the work place nor does the leader you could become.  There are plenty of leaders who have not read that book.

Anyways, there are many ninjas in the office. These are the fuckers who do shit and deny it.  Who the hell stole my external hard drive power adapter? A fucking ninja! Who power cycled the server and didn’t tell anyone? A ninja.  The only way to handle ninjas is to deploy the Office Samurai.

Office Samurais are a respected class.  These individuals have some form of honor and integrity.  In feudal Japan, Samurais were respected and did the dirty work of their masters.  In the office, Samurais are usually heavy hitters and reliable people.   When the office ninjas start pulling their shit, you need to bring in the heavy duty, samurais.  They’re approach to problem solving is outlined below:

Direct Attack: These samurais will shake the crowd for the culprit and quickly swash the problem. If a ninja continues to complain that they’re unfairly targeted, the samurai will request that his master no longer give the ninja a task or charge code.  This direct line of attack can be challenged by the Emperor or Human Resource Department Leader.  Emperors are here to protect the empire or corporate posture.  Their behavior is pretty much defined and predictable.  Ninjas understand this behavior.  Direct attacks are saved when the negative feedback from the emperors are minimal.

Greasing the Turd: Greasing the Turd is a tactic employed by any office warrior.  The art of overloading your target or distracting them is the goal. Visualize a wet turd hitting the mouth of your opponent.  The more you grease the turd, the more it smears the target.  This can be accomplished several ways.  One is to send an unexpecting co-worker towards the problem.  When there is a roadblock and someone will not move from their position, strength in numbers is helpful.  You hype up your cause and send the co-worker towards the individual.  This influence will either irritate or win.  Whatever the goal is, it takes energy for the receiving individual to deflect the incoming co-worker.  This is quiet annoying, especially if you get trolled by several at the same time.  This will lead the individual to frustration and react.  Another way is also sending an unqualified person to resolve an issue.  This can frustrate the receiving individual and make them rage quit the project or task.  It’s almost like throwing ninja stars.  Sending email request to have the target look up information that really isn’t required is another tactic.  The objective is to overload and get an expected result.

Closing the Fortress Gates:  When ninjas keep touching your shit, you close the fortress gates.  You limit access to the room, computer, or project.  This is to make the program safer.  This will excite the ninjas and make them retaliate.  You’ll want to ensure that you’re fast when pulling up the gate.  Stealth is important.  When a ninja knows that you’re cutting off their access to the fortress, they might open another way or use existing staff inside to access what they need.  Be smart.

Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Email Warfare

6d3909618a4e32ae24085177ef4cefe9[1]Office warfare has been around since there was the first employee.  With the invention of email, we’ve seen office warfare move from the type-writer to instant delivery of networked devices.  Preparing your email and deciding who receives it requires precious mental energy.  Reacting to fuck tards via email brings your mental yoga workout to a mental triathlon.

Any normal email should be written to the point.  No flowery words.  We lose sight of the email’s meaning after the first paragraph.  Like any essay, you need to state what you’re talking about upfront.  You may even bulletize the main points so the reader can easily skim.  This is what a professional email should do.  However, we know damn well that fuck tards and ninjas exist in the work place.  Let us break it down.

BCC Ninjas.  You know what we’re talking about.  The fucking person added via BCC.  Most fuck tards like to show that they’re working.  “Look at me!”   Most of the time, the really dumb fuck tards like to just CC everyone.  Fuck, add the entire logistics department when the email has nothing to do with logistics.  “Look at me! I’m important! I write emails!”  The BCC ninjas are fuckers who BCC another party and not even tell you.  When they BCC, you have no idea that they’re lining you up for failure.  You think the conversation is private and WAM!, your BCC precipitant replies.  WHO THE FUCK INVITED them? BCC Ninjas.

After Hours Email Fuck Tards make it a point to write an email late at night.  This gives the impression to their superiors that they’re working late.  I have news for you.  A component person who can work a 8 hour task and complete it in 6 hours is a much better work than someone who does the 8 hour task, taking 16 hours.  Just because you work more hours, doesn’t make you a better employee.  Neither does working after hours.  Normally, 1700 (5 PM for you regular folks) is the time to go home, relax, and drink a half bottle of Scotch because you almost punched someone in face.  It doesn’t mean you continue to work.  After Hour Fucks like to send the email at 8 PM.  “Look at me! I’m so fucking important and I am a dedicated mother fucker. ” There are two reasons for writing an email late at night. It’s either you were in meetings all day and you had no time or you want to look like you’re “willing to stay late for the job”.  No true, competent manager finds value in late night emails. What’s worst is the employee that schedules a fucking meeting at 5 PM.  FUCK YOU.  Just as dumb.

Assembling a Fuck Tard Army, doesn’t make your answer right or give authority to your request.  Sometimes, CCing or adding more people to the email gets annoying.  If the email change is more than 10 people, it becomes very inefficient.   It turns into a big circle jerk and nothing comes from the email.   However, email chains do trump the in-person-meeting-circle-jerk.   Fuck Tards like to add more people because it makes it look like they’re “on top of things”.   Efficient workers like to only talk directly to the people that matter.  STOP FUCKING ADDING MORE PEOPLE.

Passive aggressive email fuck tards are easy to handle.  You can delete their email or use the same language.  When an ex-military officer manager says “I’m tracking you. I got ya tone locked”, you ask yourself if they’re going to fire a side-winder missile.  Real people use real words and phrases.  “I follow you” or “I understand where you’re going with that topic”. STOP FUCKING MANIPULATING THE CONVERSATION WITH SOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCK TARD LANGUAGE.  Return the favor by telling them that you’ve got them dialed in or whatever.  The more you use their words, the more they’ll become annoyed and cease to continue the language.

Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Replay All and Signatures

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People tend to forget that emails will haunt them the rest of their lives.   There are several ways to spotting fuck tards by their “reply all” action or the garbage that they place at the end of their email.  Let us help you unfuck yourself.

What really gets on everyone’s nerves is the asshole who replies all to an email that doesn’t require it.  They can’t fucking help themselves.  It’s like, “HEAR ME! LOOK AT ME. OMG I’M SO FUCKING IMPORTANT.”  A simple mass email, such as one welcoming a new employee to the program, can instantly turn to asshole fuck fest.  There are usually a few who cannot hold back the email hardon they’re about to unload all over the screen.   These replies come in the following forms:

-The E-mail Skier:  Original email is repeated in the sender’s owns words.  The secondary email sender takes the dicks of the original email participants and strokes them like ski poles.  NO ONE FUCKING CARES.  Yes! Welcome aboard Bob! …NO! We’ve heard it the first time.  Stop stroking the original sender’s cock.  This isn’t going to get you promoted  (Note to Fuck Tard: A smart original email sender will knock your added value down a notch for this retarded reply).

-The E-mail Power Trip: Original email is hijacked as the new sender replies with something that equivocates to them being insecure that they didn’t send the email out.  How about this? You didn’t matter.  Not everyone has to consult you if this email was to go out or not.  So, STFU!  This includes fuck tards who try to speak on behalf of an organization.  “On behalf of FU org, I’d like to say blah blah blah”.

-Ex-Military Lingo:  It’s the ex-military person who has separated from active duty physically and administratively, but not mentally.  They feel the need to welcome someone on board a ship, a fort, a base, a campus, or what the fuck ever.  They tend to use language that only exists in the military.  Not EVERYONE attacks a problem.  Real civilians like to solve a problem.  There is no “rallying the troops”.  STFU with the military lingo.

quote-in-email-shows-you-are-idiot[1]Email signatures need to be minimal and direct.  Put your name, a title (if required), email and at least one business phone number.  Be sure to make the title something that you are.  Do not INVENT some bullshit responsibility or something that makes you important. If you’re an mechanical engineer, please put “Mechanical Engineer”.  If you’re an admin’s assistant, it should follow with “Admin Assistant” or whatever the position is called.  NEVER put that you’re a “SME” (Subject Matter Expert) when you’re truly not.  People can smell bullshit.  In the industry, short of executive staff, truly experienced engineers put nothing for their title.  You simply see their name and contact information.  Adding some bullshit title to your signature only confuses people and when you fail to deliver on this “expertise”, you only make yourself and the organization worth less.

Do not PUT FUCKING QUOTES at the end of your signature.  This does not add value to you as a professional and only makes you look incapable of standing on your own merit.  No one fucking cares what historical-person-A said.

Technical professionals need not put their certifications at the end of the signature unless it absolutely matters.  A very rare case in the engineering world is CISSP and how it relates to being an Information Assurance Manager.  If it’s required for the position, then the cert is worthy of the signature.  Putting that you passed Security+ makes you look like a retard.  Putting ALL THE FUCKING CERTS from the local cert school makes you worth less.  You’re a good test taker.  We get it.  But when you have all these cisco certs and cannot tell me how OSPF works, GTFO!  When you have LINUX+ cert and you cannot tell me what the port is for SSH.  GTFO!  Any engineer who puts certs at the end of their signature and it’s not required for the job is a tool.  FUCK YOU TOOL.

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