Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Questions

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Email communication, in the engineering world, should be no different than any other professional work place.   There are unspoken rules of engagement.   A work email is not a phone call to your girlfriend, to your mom, or a social venue.  Let us start by explaining the intent of professional emails.

When someone writes you a question, answer the fucking question.  Here’s an example of a good answer.  “Dear fucktard, In the lab, what color is the Dell server?”.  The answer is very simple. “It’s (fill in the color).”  In this case, the color is black.  Do not fucking reply with anything more.  Do not tell me where in the lab, the fucking computer is.  DO NOT tell me how the fucking computer works.  I DO NOT need to know how fast, slow, dirty, clean, or what-the-fuck-ever the PC is.  Tell me what fucking color it is.  Done!

When someone writes you a question, do not CC more fucktards.  DO NOT add your work colleagues who have no fucking idea what the answer is.  It is likely that those fucktards will try to answer the question like described in the previous paragraph.  Do not be insulted if anyone tells you to knock that shit off and removes your fucktard friends.  Their opinion doesn’t fucking matter because if it did, they’d be on the original email.

When someone writes you a question, do not insult their intelligence by asking them if they’ve troubleshot the problem in a certain way.  Most cases, they’ve technical raped the problem and only need to know what color the fucking PC is in the fucking lab.

When someone writes you a question, do not describe how you got the answer.  DO NOT write, “Dear Question Guy, I was sitting at my desk when I received your question.  I quickly walked over to the lab and knelled down next to the rack.  I used both eyes and observed that the PC was black.  Then, I walked back here and emailed you the answer.”  Listen fucktard, I DO NOT need to know how you got the answer because most cases, I’ve done the same if I was there.  DO NOT tell me how many steps it is between your office and the fucking PC.  Answer the fucking question.

When someone writes you a question, do not ask me a question back.  Answer my question or do not answer it at all.

When someone writes you a question, if you don’t know it, tell the person that you will need to find the answer.  DO NOT FUCKING GUESS what color the fucking PC is.  “It’s pink”.  The fucking PC was never pink.  It will never be pink.  However, you think you’re a fucking smart guy by waving us off with your no-effort fucking answer.  Get the fuck up and verify.

When someone asks you a question, give the answer.  DO NOT fucking tell us there is some bullshit CM (Change Management) board that you need to have my answered approved through.  THIS IS NOT A FUCKING JOBS PROGRAM.  Stop inventing work and answer the fucking question.

Last, use proper fucking grammar and punctuation.  FUCK YOU.

Pimp Hand Guide to Work

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How do you determine how hard to slap the shit outta an employee or peer at work?  I recently had the issue where every email, I slapped them hard with my pimp hand.  Of course, this will get you a HR complaint and label you as the passive-aggressive asshole.  Today, I learned the Art of the Pimp Hand.  Here’s an example of my most recent email:

“Hello (removed), when are you shipping the batteries back from the field? – Sincerely, Logistics”

Of course, I responded wayyyy too heavy and replied, “Dear Logistics, why are you asking? Are you dictating maintenance in the field? I want to ensure there is no negative impact on the field people – Sincerely, Me”  Of course, there’s rudeness and sharp-talking is usually hostile.  However, this response was too strong.  Young employees with authority can swing their pimp hand way too hard.  I recommend a friend’s approach to swinging the pimp hand.  Observe the chart below:

pimphandMy buddy kept the chart in a hidden, acronym format.  This allows you to save this, without people knowing its true form.  PH stands for “Pimp Hand”.  The levels of swing are located on the Y axis (up and down for you non-math folks).  Heavy means you come out talking with authority and demanding answers.  Medium is you asking really tough questions and give a stern, heavy opinion, but not biting the individual.  Light is when you give “recommendations”, but you don’t care if they’re followed.  None is one of my favorite tactics.  I decide not to respond at all.  It’s not worth my time and a non-answer speaks for itself.  Sometimes, a non-answer means “fuck you”.  It shows that the event or action is not worth your time.

MB stands for “Make Better”.  ME is “Make Easier” or make it easier for someone.  EF is “Egg on Face”.  How embarrassed with the action be for someone? WO is wheels off the train.  This is when you need to bring your heavy pimp hand and slap a mother fucker.

Let me provide a way to heavily pimp slap someone, “Dear (me), I’d like to crack the panel on that air frame and remove cable J1 – Sincerely FuckTard.” My heavy pimp hand swings, “Dear Fucktard, Stand Down! Your removal of J1 is a safety issue and will destroy the product.  Please, consult with our team prior to any maintenance event.”  Crisis possibly avoided.  There are times when you need to pimp hand heavy someone into not doing anything.  They’re afraid to email.  This is good sometimes.

Practice your office pimp hand carefully, grass hopper.

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