Hostile Work Environment – The Vacuum Cleaner

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There comes a time in a man’s life where the vacuum cleaner does more than suck dirt from the floor.  It repels assholes.

The older we get, the more we need to find HR compliant ways to say, “FUCK YOU”.  You can be fired for telling an asshole to go fuck him or her self.  Your best defense is to be as annoying as you can.  You cannot get fired for being annoying.  OCD is a legit reason to run the vacuum every time you want the fuck tards out of your office.  Vacuums are loud and annoying.  Most people bail because you stir up dust.  Even better, fuck up your efforts in vacuuming and spill the contents around on the floor.  You could even vacuum the ceiling. I do.

People get it.  You want them gone and in most cases, they leave.  You’ll find these people will talk shit on you, but you’ve won the war.  You train them to leave when they see you going for the vacuum.  Running the vacuum is another way to say fuck you when they think you’re lazy.  You can make comments such as, “I don’t want to be lazy, so I’m cleaning this dirty floor.”

Hostile Work Environment – Unqualified Managers and Precedence

59944339This post will butt-hurt some managers.  However, this post isn’t to make them happy, it’s to entertain you with real scenarios and offer some humor.

What makes a good manager? Is it someone who ensures that you have the tools to do your job? Is it someone who only approves your time card?  It really comes down to working relationship.  Office humor put aside, the best manager is someone who full-fills the employee’s needs to perform their tasks or duty.   It really depends on the situation and culture.  I might want a manager who has complete hands off while I perform antivirus updates.  I might want a manager who micromanages my time card and ensures that I’m complaint.   Where it all breaks down and the shit hits the fan is when a manager is not qualified and tries to make decisions that would go contrary to the employee’s best advice.

When the product or service requires a manager to understand the technical aspects, it’s best to have a manager who came from that field.  Too often, this is not the case.  We may receive managers, who needed a job or cover, into the position and their discipline fails them.  A good manager will quickly understand the products specs or service details. They may ask the senior engineer or technician their input and let that guide the process.  In my world, I’ve seen it not be this way.  Let’s talk about the unqualified manager and precedence.

Precedence is defined as, “the condition of being considered more important than someone or something else; priority in importance, order, or rank.”  In this case, it’s common sense.

When a manager is not qualified and not seek good advice, they tend to make decisions that negatively affect the employees.  We’ve discussed the scenario before where a system administrator wanted admin rights on a server or network that he didn’t own.   The employee gets the rights and once the community finds out, management thinks it’s a good idea to manage this.  They quickly want status on everyone’s admin rights and who does not have it.  They will create an entire jobs program out of admin rights to a system we don’t own.  There will be the weekly meetings because emails aren’t good enough.  There will be homemade spreadsheets tracking who does not have admin.   Performance reviews will be negatively impacted because we don’t have admin rights to a system that we’re not responsible for.  All of a sudden, there is precedence placed on this non-required requirement that should never have been.  This is all due to the fucking manager who has no fucking clue what he or she is doing.   Not only does the manager push this process, against the wishes of the employees, senior management will think it’s a great idea to track it and report it at a corporate level.  It’ll eventually make it into some policy that was never peer reviewed by the true holders.  Now eat that shit!

Ever ask why we do a process and the source for it? Ever get the answer, “It’s always been that way?”  This is the same bad milk from the fridge.  Managers who are unqualified cannot answer why we do things a certain way.  Before long, this unspoken tribal knowledge makes its way into an office policy document and now you’re fucked.  There is no going back.  Who cares about streamlining? It’s a jobs program.

Surviving a hostile work environment – Office Samurais and the Art of War

Office Samurai

I’m not going to start this post with some bullshit from the Art of War.  Great, we know that military tactics aren’t appropriate in the work place nor does the leader you could become.  There are plenty of leaders who have not read that book.

Anyways, there are many ninjas in the office. These are the fuckers who do shit and deny it.  Who the hell stole my external hard drive power adapter? A fucking ninja! Who power cycled the server and didn’t tell anyone? A ninja.  The only way to handle ninjas is to deploy the Office Samurai.

Office Samurais are a respected class.  These individuals have some form of honor and integrity.  In feudal Japan, Samurais were respected and did the dirty work of their masters.  In the office, Samurais are usually heavy hitters and reliable people.   When the office ninjas start pulling their shit, you need to bring in the heavy duty, samurais.  They’re approach to problem solving is outlined below:

Direct Attack: These samurais will shake the crowd for the culprit and quickly swash the problem. If a ninja continues to complain that they’re unfairly targeted, the samurai will request that his master no longer give the ninja a task or charge code.  This direct line of attack can be challenged by the Emperor or Human Resource Department Leader.  Emperors are here to protect the empire or corporate posture.  Their behavior is pretty much defined and predictable.  Ninjas understand this behavior.  Direct attacks are saved when the negative feedback from the emperors are minimal.

Greasing the Turd: Greasing the Turd is a tactic employed by any office warrior.  The art of overloading your target or distracting them is the goal. Visualize a wet turd hitting the mouth of your opponent.  The more you grease the turd, the more it smears the target.  This can be accomplished several ways.  One is to send an unexpecting co-worker towards the problem.  When there is a roadblock and someone will not move from their position, strength in numbers is helpful.  You hype up your cause and send the co-worker towards the individual.  This influence will either irritate or win.  Whatever the goal is, it takes energy for the receiving individual to deflect the incoming co-worker.  This is quiet annoying, especially if you get trolled by several at the same time.  This will lead the individual to frustration and react.  Another way is also sending an unqualified person to resolve an issue.  This can frustrate the receiving individual and make them rage quit the project or task.  It’s almost like throwing ninja stars.  Sending email request to have the target look up information that really isn’t required is another tactic.  The objective is to overload and get an expected result.

Closing the Fortress Gates:  When ninjas keep touching your shit, you close the fortress gates.  You limit access to the room, computer, or project.  This is to make the program safer.  This will excite the ninjas and make them retaliate.  You’ll want to ensure that you’re fast when pulling up the gate.  Stealth is important.  When a ninja knows that you’re cutting off their access to the fortress, they might open another way or use existing staff inside to access what they need.  Be smart.

Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Email Warfare

6d3909618a4e32ae24085177ef4cefe9[1]Office warfare has been around since there was the first employee.  With the invention of email, we’ve seen office warfare move from the type-writer to instant delivery of networked devices.  Preparing your email and deciding who receives it requires precious mental energy.  Reacting to fuck tards via email brings your mental yoga workout to a mental triathlon.

Any normal email should be written to the point.  No flowery words.  We lose sight of the email’s meaning after the first paragraph.  Like any essay, you need to state what you’re talking about upfront.  You may even bulletize the main points so the reader can easily skim.  This is what a professional email should do.  However, we know damn well that fuck tards and ninjas exist in the work place.  Let us break it down.

BCC Ninjas.  You know what we’re talking about.  The fucking person added via BCC.  Most fuck tards like to show that they’re working.  “Look at me!”   Most of the time, the really dumb fuck tards like to just CC everyone.  Fuck, add the entire logistics department when the email has nothing to do with logistics.  “Look at me! I’m important! I write emails!”  The BCC ninjas are fuckers who BCC another party and not even tell you.  When they BCC, you have no idea that they’re lining you up for failure.  You think the conversation is private and WAM!, your BCC precipitant replies.  WHO THE FUCK INVITED them? BCC Ninjas.

After Hours Email Fuck Tards make it a point to write an email late at night.  This gives the impression to their superiors that they’re working late.  I have news for you.  A component person who can work a 8 hour task and complete it in 6 hours is a much better work than someone who does the 8 hour task, taking 16 hours.  Just because you work more hours, doesn’t make you a better employee.  Neither does working after hours.  Normally, 1700 (5 PM for you regular folks) is the time to go home, relax, and drink a half bottle of Scotch because you almost punched someone in face.  It doesn’t mean you continue to work.  After Hour Fucks like to send the email at 8 PM.  “Look at me! I’m so fucking important and I am a dedicated mother fucker. ” There are two reasons for writing an email late at night. It’s either you were in meetings all day and you had no time or you want to look like you’re “willing to stay late for the job”.  No true, competent manager finds value in late night emails. What’s worst is the employee that schedules a fucking meeting at 5 PM.  FUCK YOU.  Just as dumb.

Assembling a Fuck Tard Army, doesn’t make your answer right or give authority to your request.  Sometimes, CCing or adding more people to the email gets annoying.  If the email change is more than 10 people, it becomes very inefficient.   It turns into a big circle jerk and nothing comes from the email.   However, email chains do trump the in-person-meeting-circle-jerk.   Fuck Tards like to add more people because it makes it look like they’re “on top of things”.   Efficient workers like to only talk directly to the people that matter.  STOP FUCKING ADDING MORE PEOPLE.

Passive aggressive email fuck tards are easy to handle.  You can delete their email or use the same language.  When an ex-military officer manager says “I’m tracking you. I got ya tone locked”, you ask yourself if they’re going to fire a side-winder missile.  Real people use real words and phrases.  “I follow you” or “I understand where you’re going with that topic”. STOP FUCKING MANIPULATING THE CONVERSATION WITH SOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCK TARD LANGUAGE.  Return the favor by telling them that you’ve got them dialed in or whatever.  The more you use their words, the more they’ll become annoyed and cease to continue the language.

Admin Account Hoarders

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You know the individual who wants an admin account on every fucking system?  These people think that they’re entitled to the administrator account, even when the system they wish to have admin on, isn’t theirs.

Take time to analyze the individual making the request.  Do they have too much shit on their desk? You know, the guy who can’t throw shit away.  They have the original paperwork, from 20 years ago, for their first day on the job.  These mother fuckers have a serious condition that forces them not to throw a damn thing away.  When they’ve collected all the shit and piled it on their desk, they need to collect more.  They go after the power of admin accounts.

I’ve recently been entertained by an individual who said, “For these two systems, I need admin.  I cannot do anything without admin.”  First, the system this individual wanted access to was only used for emails and basic web browsing.  When any of our co-workers require technical support, they call fucking help desk.  However, since the individual isn’t good at his or her job, they try to make up by being personal in other areas.  They also said, “Well, you do need to have the right certs for admin.” Wait, DoD 8570 clearly states that administrator (IAT II) is satisfied by a security plus certificate.  Any asshole can pass this “difficult”cert that you speak of.  What the fuck makes you so damn special? Nothing.  You want people to think that you’re important.

Where it really goes wrong is when you have admin and you honestly fix a problem on the system.  The sheep in the office have no idea why everyone else does not have admin and all of a sudden, you’ve set a fucking presidence.   The, the sheep assholes come asking me for help because YOU’VE had admin.  Before long, management gets wind that we can get one more fucking added capability.  Management driven, everyone must have a fucking admin account on a system that we DO NOT administer.  Two managers up, the fucker puts a bullet on his performance review, “Directed IT to get admins on an account and provide additional support.” Support is code work for busy work for the price of nothing.  The normal operation of support is to ask people to call help desk.  If you have an issue with the system that I’m responsible for, we can work it out, but don’t ask me to support a system that I have no authority on.

Let’s collect admin on all the fucking systems like it’s a badge of honor.  One day, while sitting at the fireplace with your grand children on your lap, you’ll finally say, “You know son, I had admin on that classified system.  I’m so fucking important.  You know, I didn’t do a DAMN thing with the admin, but I was rightfully acknowledge by my co-workers as a bad ass.  Your grand mother or grand daddy was a bad ass.”  Said NO ONE EVER.  STFU and stop applying for admin every you go, you fuck tard.

Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Replay All and Signatures

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People tend to forget that emails will haunt them the rest of their lives.   There are several ways to spotting fuck tards by their “reply all” action or the garbage that they place at the end of their email.  Let us help you unfuck yourself.

What really gets on everyone’s nerves is the asshole who replies all to an email that doesn’t require it.  They can’t fucking help themselves.  It’s like, “HEAR ME! LOOK AT ME. OMG I’M SO FUCKING IMPORTANT.”  A simple mass email, such as one welcoming a new employee to the program, can instantly turn to asshole fuck fest.  There are usually a few who cannot hold back the email hardon they’re about to unload all over the screen.   These replies come in the following forms:

-The E-mail Skier:  Original email is repeated in the sender’s owns words.  The secondary email sender takes the dicks of the original email participants and strokes them like ski poles.  NO ONE FUCKING CARES.  Yes! Welcome aboard Bob! …NO! We’ve heard it the first time.  Stop stroking the original sender’s cock.  This isn’t going to get you promoted  (Note to Fuck Tard: A smart original email sender will knock your added value down a notch for this retarded reply).

-The E-mail Power Trip: Original email is hijacked as the new sender replies with something that equivocates to them being insecure that they didn’t send the email out.  How about this? You didn’t matter.  Not everyone has to consult you if this email was to go out or not.  So, STFU!  This includes fuck tards who try to speak on behalf of an organization.  “On behalf of FU org, I’d like to say blah blah blah”.

-Ex-Military Lingo:  It’s the ex-military person who has separated from active duty physically and administratively, but not mentally.  They feel the need to welcome someone on board a ship, a fort, a base, a campus, or what the fuck ever.  They tend to use language that only exists in the military.  Not EVERYONE attacks a problem.  Real civilians like to solve a problem.  There is no “rallying the troops”.  STFU with the military lingo.

quote-in-email-shows-you-are-idiot[1]Email signatures need to be minimal and direct.  Put your name, a title (if required), email and at least one business phone number.  Be sure to make the title something that you are.  Do not INVENT some bullshit responsibility or something that makes you important. If you’re an mechanical engineer, please put “Mechanical Engineer”.  If you’re an admin’s assistant, it should follow with “Admin Assistant” or whatever the position is called.  NEVER put that you’re a “SME” (Subject Matter Expert) when you’re truly not.  People can smell bullshit.  In the industry, short of executive staff, truly experienced engineers put nothing for their title.  You simply see their name and contact information.  Adding some bullshit title to your signature only confuses people and when you fail to deliver on this “expertise”, you only make yourself and the organization worth less.

Do not PUT FUCKING QUOTES at the end of your signature.  This does not add value to you as a professional and only makes you look incapable of standing on your own merit.  No one fucking cares what historical-person-A said.

Technical professionals need not put their certifications at the end of the signature unless it absolutely matters.  A very rare case in the engineering world is CISSP and how it relates to being an Information Assurance Manager.  If it’s required for the position, then the cert is worthy of the signature.  Putting that you passed Security+ makes you look like a retard.  Putting ALL THE FUCKING CERTS from the local cert school makes you worth less.  You’re a good test taker.  We get it.  But when you have all these cisco certs and cannot tell me how OSPF works, GTFO!  When you have LINUX+ cert and you cannot tell me what the port is for SSH.  GTFO!  Any engineer who puts certs at the end of their signature and it’s not required for the job is a tool.  FUCK YOU TOOL.

Email Etiquette for Fuck Tards – Questions

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Email communication, in the engineering world, should be no different than any other professional work place.   There are unspoken rules of engagement.   A work email is not a phone call to your girlfriend, to your mom, or a social venue.  Let us start by explaining the intent of professional emails.

When someone writes you a question, answer the fucking question.  Here’s an example of a good answer.  “Dear fucktard, In the lab, what color is the Dell server?”.  The answer is very simple. “It’s (fill in the color).”  In this case, the color is black.  Do not fucking reply with anything more.  Do not tell me where in the lab, the fucking computer is.  DO NOT tell me how the fucking computer works.  I DO NOT need to know how fast, slow, dirty, clean, or what-the-fuck-ever the PC is.  Tell me what fucking color it is.  Done!

When someone writes you a question, do not CC more fucktards.  DO NOT add your work colleagues who have no fucking idea what the answer is.  It is likely that those fucktards will try to answer the question like described in the previous paragraph.  Do not be insulted if anyone tells you to knock that shit off and removes your fucktard friends.  Their opinion doesn’t fucking matter because if it did, they’d be on the original email.

When someone writes you a question, do not insult their intelligence by asking them if they’ve troubleshot the problem in a certain way.  Most cases, they’ve technical raped the problem and only need to know what color the fucking PC is in the fucking lab.

When someone writes you a question, do not describe how you got the answer.  DO NOT write, “Dear Question Guy, I was sitting at my desk when I received your question.  I quickly walked over to the lab and knelled down next to the rack.  I used both eyes and observed that the PC was black.  Then, I walked back here and emailed you the answer.”  Listen fucktard, I DO NOT need to know how you got the answer because most cases, I’ve done the same if I was there.  DO NOT tell me how many steps it is between your office and the fucking PC.  Answer the fucking question.

When someone writes you a question, do not ask me a question back.  Answer my question or do not answer it at all.

When someone writes you a question, if you don’t know it, tell the person that you will need to find the answer.  DO NOT FUCKING GUESS what color the fucking PC is.  “It’s pink”.  The fucking PC was never pink.  It will never be pink.  However, you think you’re a fucking smart guy by waving us off with your no-effort fucking answer.  Get the fuck up and verify.

When someone asks you a question, give the answer.  DO NOT fucking tell us there is some bullshit CM (Change Management) board that you need to have my answered approved through.  THIS IS NOT A FUCKING JOBS PROGRAM.  Stop inventing work and answer the fucking question.

Last, use proper fucking grammar and punctuation.  FUCK YOU.

The Office Turkeys

turkeyThe Office Turkey is the individual or group of individuals (business culture) that does a lot of talking, but no action.  Office Turkeys feel that they’re contributing to the solution by talking.  They may want status often so they can report to someone above them that they’re “on top of it”.  The resolution of a problem may have nothing to do with their leadership, but somehow, they feel the need to interject themselves into the employee’s swim lane.

“Gobble Gobble Gobble.”  All air.  No added value.  There are times when you want to turn around and tell the Office Turkey to STFU.  However, this will not stop the turkey from continuing their conquest to talk.  Aggressive turkeys may schedule a meeting and expect you to be there.  You’re suppose to give status because sending a fucking email isn’t good enough.  Phone calls? Nope.  Must have face to face time in front of a group of people to show that they’re leading the charge.  Competent employees do not need group hugs or a Turkey’s leadership to solve a problem.

There are several ways to handle the gobblers.  One way is to blow off all of their meeting requests and blame it on,”actively solving the problem”.  You were too busy to give status because you were actively working on the problem.  It may make them mad that they do not have control, but it silently sends them the fuck you message (refer to the Pimp Hand chart in previous post).  If you’re able, you could delegate someone to be the POC for the turkeys.  This would mean that the turkeys must talk to that person and not to you directly.  This allows you to focus on the work and get it done.

Other common scenarios of turkeys are the mass emailers.  You’ve just received an email from the corporate mailing list, but turkeys feel the need to show that they’re in charge of the information by forwarding it to you with the caption, “For your information”.  Sometimes, you just want to reply that you’ve received it from 5 other people and you’re thankful that they’re late.  The best defense is to quickly forward the corporate email to them, before they email it to you.  This creates a problem that they cannot solve, except setup and auto-forward.

Office Turkeys gobble in groups and this becomes dangerous.  A group of fucktards give strength to any problem, real or not.  They will tend to make a big deal out of something that is a quick fix.  Gobblers will demand a step by step guide on how you’re going to resolve the problem.  The best defense is to keep it high level.  Never, do you want to give up your technical special sauce to a group of turkeys.  They will take your solution and give it to someone else to fuck it up.  It eventually comes back to you.

Surviving a hostile work environment – No Fucks Given

1338265360835_809270[1]Ever find yourself in an environment that makes you not want to come to work?  Hostile work environments can come in many ways.  It could be a sea of bad co-workers, bad management, or even a shitty work situation that delivers stress.  I’ve been in all of them and found the ultimate coping mechanism, “No Fucks Given”.

When you give a fuck, you care about the product, service, or system.  You strive to deliver quality, accurate work and take pride it in.  When you work with fucktards who do not care or even have a negative impact on the system, you want to see them removed.  In many work environments, management is too scared to remove incompetent people.  You’re often told that you must incorporate these losers into your “team” environment and continue to deliver excellence.  After awhile, you do get tired and bitter.  Why should you spend extra admin overhead to prevent the fucktards from hurting the system?  Is it worth it? There are trade offs when you decide if it’s worth giving fucks or not.  If you cannot leave the job, then you must find another way to mitigate the problems and hope that the pay is worth it. Let’s be honest, we want to trade our labor for the maximum compensation.  This means that we want to get paid and if dealing with difficult people is part of that, then so be it.  However, there is a threshold and many times, I’ve found myself leaning towards “No Fucks Given”.

To start not giving a fuck, you must find the level of system maintenance that allows it to continue.  You cannot say fuck it all and the system comes crashing down.  You just might not suggest improvements.  You’re basically in mood to maintain. That is simply it.  You do not care about building relationships.  You do not go above and beyond.  You spend just enough time to say that you’ve earned that salary and then you look for your exit.

Basic ways to not give a fuck is to not talk more than you need to.  I tend to keep the conversations towards personal, neutral topics such as travel, hobbies, and in my field of work, engineering processes.  I tend to stay away from religion, politics, and drama.  Try not to show that you’re bothered by the drama because then they’ll look at ways to hammer you.  The hostile work environment can get completely worst.  You evaluate your workload and you find a way to do the bare minimum.  A task that would normally take 24 hours, now takes 48 because no fucks are given.  You find simple pleasures such as watching TV shows on your laptop, reading a book that has nothing to add to your job, and spending hours on facebook, creeping hotties.

Not giving a fuck takes the weight of the no-accountability-work and dumps it onto someone else.  Their emergencies are no longer yours.   30 minute lunches turn into 2 hours.  Of course, you must be a ninja and not show that you’re taking longer lunches, but there’s always a way to say it was a business lunch.

You want to avoid the micro-managers or the people who can’t be happy with doing the bare minimum.  These people dislike your care free attitude and want to give you busy fucks. Busy fucks are tasks given by someone else to satisfy their insecurity.  I hate the phrase, “Give a good days work”.  This subjective phrase and expectation changes with the individual.  My bare minimum may be two times the work load than most people.  I may be able to get 40 hours of work done in 20 and use the extra 20 to do something that I enjoy.  There is no incentive to work hard when you’re given busy fucks.  There are several ways to handle busy fucks.  You could invent your own busy fuck and when presented with a busy fuck task, you’re unavailable.   You could take the busy fuck task and completely fuck it up, in hopes that you’re never assigned it again.  You could waterfall (The Art of Delaying) the request and just never do it.  Busy fucks are a pain in the ass and should be avoided at all tasks.  Your time is more valuable than that.  We must also be aware of people who falsely give a fuck. These individuals will drum up busy fucks because they want to show management that they care, even when it’s not true.  Your job with these people is to suggest work that keeps them away from you.

At the end of the day, you’ll eventually find a new job that you’ll care about and we hope that it’s not filled with fucktards.  If it is, rinse and repeat the No Fucks Given process.

 

The Office Shape-shifter

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The Office Shape-shifter is the individual who actively tries to reshape their image to management and to other employees.  Sometimes, they have an agenda and will try their best to influence others towards a goal.  It’s ok to influence others, but when you’re a shit bag and you’re trying to convince others that you’re not, you’re a shape-shifter.

Shape-shifters will try their best to influence management that they’re not a bad person.  They may be completely incompetent on completing any task.  They spend more energy making sure everyone thinks they’re great.  One may say, “Don’t worry. I know everything has gone to shit since I was gone.  I’m here.  I’m here to save the day.”  They may not be able to tell you how they plan to save the day, but they may try their  best to shape opinions of those around them.

Their tactics are simple.  They will demonize someone with authority.  “That person has no idea what they’re talking about.  I’m so good at what I do, this program cannot go on without me.”  They will also place blame for their inability to complete a task on their personal schedule.  “I had class…how can I honestly complete my work assignment?”.  They will state that they never had enough hours.  “No way I could complete a 40 hour work week in 40 hours.  I need 80.”  They might even sell you on how smart they are. “You know, I teach at a local college. I’m a big deal.”

There are a few ways to handle the Shape-shifter. First, is a PIP or process improvement plan.  It’s the first step in getting them to straighten up or get fired.  However, if your management refuses to fire these fuck tards and you’re tired of dealing with them, you fight fire with fire.  Since they’re a big deal, you could tell them that their services are needed elsewhere.  You send them to another project and they official become a #JollyRoger.  You could give them a large amount of boring tasks and they quit.  You could fire them, but you then fight the uphill HR battle.  Shape-Shifters are the first to go during lay offs.

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